In part because some of you saved my life and in part because I understand the worth of a stranger/friend, even an e-stranger/friend.
And so it happened that one day I was walking to work, along that same old road. Each passing car seemed to present a terrible option until I eventually found myself cowering against some low wall off a quieter side road.
'I don't want to die.' I remember crying those words to Emma's distant voice. I didn't want to die, but the compulsion was there. For days I had been brushing off the relentless advances of my own determined self. Did I want to die? Certainly I had tied knots and brandished blades against myself. I am embarrassed to say now that the most prevalent outlet seemed to be in beating myself with my own fists so fiercely that my vision would blur and my head would ache for days. I was trying to beat down that terrible rising shadow.
There is little scarier than fighting an unknown quantity within yourself.
My life fell apart then. I was for a long time signed off as unfit to work and could do very little. The far-reaching effects this had on my physical health and my relationships with other people are well documented in the myriad accounts of others. It is startling how many people suffer from mental health issues, and I will write about this often because to my mind it is inextricably tied in with our current mode of living.
|Marveling at snow flakes with Emma|
pic: Sophie Mill
Shortly after my life fell apart back then it snowed. Whilst so many others stayed in their houses (or told their bosses so;) I managed to get out of bed and out of my house- a double win considering my bones had recently turned to aching lead.
It is becoming an increasingly common occurrence now in England, but still when the snow falls my generation skip work, ditch class and even say hello to their neighbours. Emma and I ran about with our housemates like kittens. It really took little more than a natural phenomenon to focus all of our attention away from whatever it was on before.
|All captions null & void|
|The ultimate celebrity couple.|
What did Brangelina do compared
to these two?
|F*ck you X-factor|
pic: Ollie Jones
Incidentally (and assuming anyone actually ever reads this), I think you should listen to both of these: